Spotlight. Basking in its warm glow a feeling of pride and anticipation thrums throughout my body. Seconds pass by. Tick, tick, tick. The sound is deafening. The light too harsh. Blinding and burning. My knees shake and my throat swells. I hear the crowd but cannot tell if the screams are of adoration or admonishment. I have done it again. Put myself out there where I shouldn’t be. Where I don’t belong. Where I can’t cope. I want to be seen. I am desperate for acknowledgement. For approval. Maybe if I stay very still no-one will notice me.
I am a grown woman. I am a mother. I am a wife. I should be able to walk in the world without shaking in fear, yet I dread to walk out the door. Diagnosis; Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I think that’s just another term for the world has become too harsh for me to handle. People too cruel. Ironically, I’ve always wanted to be famous. To be seen. To be told I contribute something of value to the world. Laughable. As from the time I leave my comfort zone. My home. I feel out of tune with the world. Every voice jangles my nerves. Making me cringe in anticipation of the disapproval I am convinced will be sent my way. Head down I scurry along to my destination. Muttering continuously to myself, “It’s going to be alright”, “Just breathe’, “You’ll be home soon.”
As the quiet, middle child I have been invisible for far too long. I yearn to make my mark on the world. To improve it. Change it for the better. I want to show the world they were wrong about me. That I matter. I make a difference. That the world would be a poorer place without me. I have so much to say yet can barley speak when it matters. So much to give yet fear keeps it all locked inside. Please notice me, my soul screams yet my body shudders at the possibility they might.
When I feel like I might disappear I leap to spontaneous extremes in order to remain visible. I put myself on stage, on social media, in front of students, audiences, people, in any way possible. I take a deep breath and bravely show a part of myself then immediately wish I hadn’t. I begin to sweat, nausea rises, heart beats a million miles a minute. My mind is on a loop. “You can’t do this”, “You’re not good enough”, “You don’t matter”, “What the hell were you thinking.” I look around for an escape. Sometimes I find one. Often, I don’t and have to white knuckle my way through it. Once I am out the other side, I swear never again will I venture beyond my front door.
I stick to this vow sometimes for weeks, sometimes for months. Only leaving my house when absolutely necessary. Trapped in four walls, safe and frustrated. Slowly I fade away again. I feel my edges blur. I am no-one. I am nothing. Please, I don’t want to disappear. I am here. I am here. Oh, God, they’re looking. Move along people there is nothing to see here.
Lockdowns have angered so many yet, to me they are a blessing. I am no longer mentally ill. I am just following the rules. Staying inside. Keeping my distance. The universe has an interesting sense of humour. I am someone who benefits from what others see as torture, yet I live in a place where lockdowns have been few and far between. When other people are required to stay inside for long periods of time, I feel a strange sort of camaraderie with those I have previously feared. Maybe now they will understand my struggle. Craving to be out there yet knowing they are safer from COVID in their cocoon. This is their present, yet this has been my entire life.
People don’t understand. All they see are the paradoxes and then think you are a liar. You can’t have anxiety. You have been on the stage. You have been a teacher. We have seen your pictures and your opinions on social media. Just because I am terrified doesn’t mean I don’t want to live. Just because my knees shake doesn’t mean I don’t want to be seen. Just because I will never feel worthy doesn’t mean I don’t want my achievements held high and shown to the world. I want to show you myself. I want to step out into the world. I want to be brave. It has just been my experience that when I do the world does not approve of who I am. This does not mean I don’t want to be a part of the world it just means I find it physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually almost impossible to do so.
Am I blaming the world? I guess a little. Am I blaming myself? Trust me. A whole lot more. It is exhausting walking the tightrope between being seen and unseen. Always worrying, always thinking, always analysing. My husband often says ‘honey, the world is not a test. You are not being graded on everything you do.” It is to me. It is the most important test. Those who know me know how much desolation I feel when I do not receive the highest mark on any quiz. It is heart rending to feel like in this world exam most of the time I am failing. Failing to even make it to the venue.
Anxiety is debilitating in ways few people understand. There are days I cannot get out of bed because the world is too much. There are days where I feel like a burden. A waste of space. That I take up too much room in a world where I am not needed. Where I serve no important function. I, however, desperately want to be here. I love the world even when it does not love me back. I see the beauty in it even when it calls me ugly. I see light in the darkness and believe one day I will reach it. It is not that I don’t want to embrace the world it is just when I do I need the world to embrace me back. The universe and I are out of synch but that does not mean it will always be that way. I hold hope in my heart one day the world and I will dance in harmony. Until then I guess we will keep playing now you see me, now you don’t.
The play has finally come to an end. The lights fade. I breath a sigh of relief and disappointment. I am invisible again.
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