The hair whipping around her head was the colour of crumpled autumn leaves skittering across the ground. Although she had opened the door, she still faced the street as she could not bear to step inside and face the memories embedded in the walls. Not all the memories were bad, but some had broken her. Tentatively she turned and stepped across the threshold as she had for the first time when everything was still wine and roses. As she placed her hand on the cool granite counter, she could see him standing across from her smiling, laughing, teasing. The ease of the way they once were with each other almost overwhelmed her and she flinched as though the chilly surface seared her skin. Relieved, the memory faded, she moved forward.
As she entered the lounge, she ran her hand across the back of the sofa. Once a place a of fireside snuggles, movie nights and deep discussions about the future. A future now as empty as the seat itself. She swallowed hard forcing back the tears. She could not cry otherwise she would never get through this. She retrieved a picture of the mantle. The woman in the picture looked so happy, so alive, so full of hope. What a fool she was. Little did she know how quickly the light inside could be snuffed out. She did not put the picture in her bag. It would just be a reminder of what was and could never be again.
The scent of the forest threatened to choke her as she had breathed it in every time she had held him in her arms. She slid down the bathroom wall and put her head in her hands but did not let her tears fall. She steeled herself. Rose up, opened the cupboard and retrieved her belongings. She was careful not to disturb anything belonging to him. She still couldn’t believe there would be no more warm showers together, no more cheeky winks when they walked in on each other naked, no more spontaneous sex on the cold bathroom tiles which now were the temperature of her heart. Oh God, she had to get out of there. She ran out onto the porch and inhaled the autumn air deeply.
She walked across the wooden deck and a slight smile played across her face as she recalled the party they had last summer with close friends and good food. How the dog had slept through the whole thing even though the music was loud. Those were the days. Days now gone forever. She wished she could stay out here and hold on to what once was but knew she needed to go to the place it had all ended.
Once she re-entered the house she did not hesitate. It had to be like ripping off a Band-Aid otherwise she would not survive it. She strode purposefully across the floor and into the room but the minute she saw the bed her resolve crumbled. She rushed to the sink and vomited. It was too much. Too soon. She should have waited. Not forced herself to come today. Everyone had insisted the sooner the better but what did they know? He was the love of her life. He understood the truth of her in a way no-one else could. At least that was what she believed until that fateful day.
She stared at the bed and shuddered. Bile rose in her throat as the images of him wrapped in another woman’s arms invaded her head. She thought this was where the tears would fall. This was where she would completely fall apart but instead, she screamed. Screamed like woman possessed. She realised the sadness was gone replaced by its big brother, anger. It had only been two years. They had been like one person from the moment they met yet he threw it all away for a fleeting moment of ecstasy. He said it meant nothing and she told him that was worse than if it meant something because it meant he had shattered their lives for no reason. He had made her feel inadequate when he claimed he just needed some variety. As though she wasn’t enough for him. As though it was her fault. She had questioned herself and wondered how she could have failed at something so important but now, finally, she realised he was the one who had failed.
She no longer felt ill, she no longer felt sad or angry. She felt free. She picked up her bag, gathered her clothes and stepped back over the threshold. She closed the door on the house of memories and walked confidently into her future.
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